10 bizarre products you can buy online

January 4, 2011

1.   Uranium

*Evil genius license not required

Need some fuel for your your Do-it-yourself fusion reactor project?  Need to irradiate some spiders?  Has your high mileage submarine lost some of it’s “get-up-and-go” ?  Well, you’re in luck.  The contents of this stylish tin will fulfill ALL of your radioactive needs.  All for the very reasonable price of $40.  Buy Uranium at Amazon.  Seriously.  Also makes a fine paperweight and doorstop!

While you’re there, make sure you check out…

2.  The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China – by Philip M. Parker, Ph.D

Here's Johnny!


If you enjoy reading, you’ll definitely want to pick this one up.  The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China is a masterwork of non-fiction literature.  Forget everything you thought you knew about Chinese toilet seats;  This monumental tome breaks all boundaries.  It is shocking in it’s audacity, intellectually stimulating, and philosophically valid.  Just take a look at this little snippet from the author and you’ll see why so many people around the world treasure this awe-inspiring composition.

“This econometric study covers the latent demand outlook for wood toilet seats across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang – Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as “regions”). Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of “economic population”, as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Based on this “economic” definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city’s marketing and distribution value vis-a-vis others. This report does not discuss the specific players in the market serving the latent demand, nor specific details at the product level. The study also does not consider short-term cyclicalities that might affect realized sales. The study, therefore, is strategic in nature, taking an aggregate and long-run view, irrespective of the players or products involved.”

Make sure you get your copy today!  All for the low, low price of $495.00.  Don’t wait!  Buy now!

3.  Stilton Cheese Perfume

I don’t know about you, but when I think of romance, I think of cheese.  Ladies, a drop or two behind the ears is sufficient to draw even the most hard hearted man out of his shell.  Are you married and want to spice up your love life?  Turn that lumpy growth that lives on your couch into a doting Fabio…with the alluring power of cheese!  Are you single and can’t find a good man?  Don’t give up!  Give ’em a whiff of Stilton and the men (and possibly small rodents) will come running!

Though difficult to find, this one is a definite must for lovers of blue cheese.  It occasionally pops up on eBay, so be vigilant.  Read more about Stilton Cheese Perfume.

4.  Fetal Pigs

Wow. Someone at the slaughterhouse has a REALLY crappy job.

Whether you’re interested in anatomy and physiology, or you just like cutting up little animals, this is the kit for you.  The perfect gift for birthdays, weddings, bar mitzvahs, graduations, or baby showers.  The “Try It” Fetal Pig Dissection Kit will liven up any celebration!  Order now and they’ll throw in a set of surgical instruments, gloves, and a plastic apron.  FREE!  Just pay separate processing and handling.  Don’t wait, buy now!

5.  Diet Water

From the makers of "Fat free air" and "Low sodium gravity"!

Is regular water making you fat?  Are you tired of feeling guilty every time you overindulge at the water fountain?  Well, worry no more!  Sapporo Beverages Co., Ltd, part of the same awesome Japanese company that brought us Space Beer (made from barley grown on the International Space Station) now brings us another fine product.  Feel free to overindulge in the refreshing treat that is Diet Water. It’s All Natural!

You can sometimes find Diet Water at Asianfoodgrocer.com.

6.  Egg Cuber

Egg shaped eggs are soooo yesterday.  Don’t live in the past!  Upgrade to cubed eggs.  Everyone knows that modern eggs look and taste better when they have hard right angles.  Show all of your friends that you can live in the now by molding your eggs into eye pleasing blocks.  Amaze your in-laws at the next holiday dinner with a festive deviled egg fort built with embryo bricks!

Buy your cubed egg molds here.

7.  Inflatable Toast

Toasted bread has been around since…bread.  Topped with butter or jam, it’s a tasty addition to any meal.  But far too many people overlook the aesthetic appeal of slightly burned bread.  Now you can prominently display your toast in the home or office without worrying about it becoming stale, moldy, or eaten by rodents or house guests.

Do you eat breakfast on the go?  Well, with inflatable toast you’ll never have to worry about unsightly crumbs in the car or on your favorite suit.  Inflatable toast can go anywhere!  Put it in your briefcase!  Take it on an airplane.  Going to the hospital for an MRI?  Inflatable toast can go with you!

Eating toast in the bathtub can be fun, unless it accidentally drops into the bathwater.  Oh No!  Now you’ve got a gooey, soggy mess!  You should have bought Inflatable toast!  It floats! (inflatabletoastnottobeusedasalifesavingdevice)

Go to Archie McPhee for all of your inflatable toast needs!

8.  Rejuvenique electric facial toning mask

Do you live in Los Angeles?  Have you developed an unhealthy desire to look eternally young at the expense of your nervous system?

Well, whether you need firm up your flaccid face, or go on a killing spree at summer camp, this versatile product has got you covered.

Another satisfied customer!

Get those saggy jowls under control NOW!  Shock the bejesus out of them with your very own professional face taser and soon you too can wear a permanent Joker-like rictus…just like Wayne Newton!

"Danke schoen, Rejuvenique!"- Wayne N.

Go HERE for more information on how to electrocute your way to eternal beauty…or if you need a Phantom of the Opera mask for your high school drama club’s spring performance.

9.  DVD Rewinder

From the manufacturers website:

“Never pay another DVD rewind fee again!  Compatible with all disc formats: DVD-R, DVD-RW, DVD+R, DVD+RW, CDR, CDRW, Audio CD, VCD…The DVD Rewinder works with all disc based digital media to provide optimized digital experience.”

If you think you might need this, then you probably should consider reproductive sterilization for the good of humanity.

10.  Pubic Lice

Have you been wronged by someone?  Does your husband, wife, ex-girlfriend, boss, or teacher deserve to pay, and pay again, for whatever they’ve done to you?  Do you think vengeance is a dish best served cold…with a side of lice?  Well, life is too short not to get even.  But, gone are the days of slashing tires  or drawing a giant penis on their lawn with weed killer.  Now you can hit them where it really hurts!  The crotch!If you’re ready to make that leap into the seedy back alley world of parasite justice, then go to crabrevenge.com and purchase some handy little bottles of instant payback.  But, remember, if you’re going to bother with buying vengeance lice online, make sure you get the best.  Forget about the green and blue packages and head straight for the red package that contains the “F Strain” super lice.  These little bastards ignore regular lice treatments and insecticidal shampoos.

"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not give you crotch monkeys?" - The Merchant of Venice, Act III, scene 1 - William Shakespeare


3 Responses to “10 bizarre products you can buy online”

  1. New research is now validating the age old practice of adding a capful of bleach to bathwater in order to help relieve itchy symptoms of eczema.

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