Mental Biscuits is freely provided to the public through a generous grant by the Society for the Advancement and Enrichment of the Morale, Welfare, and Recreation of the Greater North American Jonathan. (S.A.E.M.W.R.G.N.A.J.)
The Greater North American Jonathan is a male Homo Sapiens Sapiens typically found in settlements throughout the northern hemisphere. Native to North America, Jonathan may inhabit a variety of environments, but has most recently been observed in the central southernmost region of the United States, particularly Texas. Due to a lack of predators, Jonathan has been known to range as far east as the Japanese archipelago and as far west as the Alaskan subcontinent for years at a time.
Jonathans are reputed to be willing to eat almost anything except tin cans and cardboard boxes. While Jonathan will not actually eat inedible material, he is a browsing omnivore, not a grazer like cattle and sheep, and (coupled with his natural curiosity) will chew on and taste just about anything resembling food in order to decide whether it is good to eat, including pencil erasers and paper labels from tin cans. It can be fairly said that the diet of the Greater North American Jonathan is extremely varied and includes an assortment of animal, fungal, insect, and plant species. (Some of which are otherwise toxic to the more commonplace Lesser North American Jonathan.)
Jonathan is generally diurnal, but may be active during the night or twilight, particularly on the weekends when he has been observed foraging for fermented fruits and grains. This behavior is typically followed by the consumption of cheeseburgers and a long period of sleep similar to hibernation. It is unwise to awaken a Jonathan during this hibernation period.
Though solitary by nature, Jonathan thrives in small packs and prefers a life-long monogamous relationship. He and his wife, which have been together since 1994, have most recently been observed raising an adolescent female sired by his brother.
Having spent years becoming at least as intelligent as any paleolithic man, Jonathan’s knowledge of fire and use of tools has made him the envy of Lesser Jonathans. Indeed, Jonathan has displayed a mastery of the flame and is frequently observed preparing meals for the family group. In addition, having become adept in the use of many tools allows him to keep their dwelling from falling in on itself. This is a never ending job for Jonathan and is typically accompanied by copious use of foul language and an abundant supply of fermented beverages.